Motherhood: Some Mammas Ain't Ish...A Response to Tami Roman's Tweet

While randomly scrolling through my Twitter feed, I came across Tami Roman’s tweet.

This quote made me think about those children, who later turn into adults, who continue to thirst for a maternal relationship that simply will not happen.

Currently, my wife and I are mentoring two girls - both of which have maternal issues. One is dealing with the recent death of her mother due to substance abuse while the other is trying to connect with an addicted mother who barely recognized her daughter when she saw her on the street.

Later these children grow into adults who continue to yearn for the love of a mother that they never had. Mother’s Day brings about emotions of sadness for loss, anger for the mistreatment and abandonment and resentment and jealousy towards anyone who has somewhat of a decent relationship with their mother.

When our foster kids enter our home for the first time, they always ask, “what do you want me to call you?” We always give them options ---- June, Sherrise, Mama June or Mama Sherrise. All of them choose the later and we oblige because we know they still want that connection.

I concur with Maya Angelou as she describes her mother, “To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.” I witness the hurt and pain that youth go through while trying to navigate being displaced and the survival mode they continue to exhibit even when they are in safe spaces. My wife and I try to be what the girls need, but at times, that can become problematic.

Recently, we had to ask our case worker and case supervisor to come to our home to speak with our teen about accountability. Our last interaction resulted in the removal of our kids, so we decided to let DCPP deal with this crisis instead of trying to handle it ourselves.

My wife and I ensured the youth that she could remain despite her bad choices. We began to articulate our expectations to the case supervisor, and she responded,” You have no idea what has been poured into these kids during their lifetime.” Once I heard that statement, everything began to make sense.

Motherhood for some is a choice, while for others it is a situation where there is no choice. Motherhood doesn’t come with an instruction manual. If you are child who is lucky enough to have been raised in a supportive, loving, nurturing environment you would have somewhat of a blueprint of what one thinks motherhood should look like. However, as a child, if your environment was filled with trauma, abuse, addiction, poverty, neglect and abandonment, motherhood and what one may pour into her children may look very different.

Viola Davis spoke beautifully about her mother in the Netflix Special Event: Viola + Oprah. She said, “I believe my mom did the best she could with what she knew.” Viola also said little Viola was always running around to remind her to give her daughter, Genesis, what Viola herself didn’t have as a child.

No mother is perfect, nor do we know it all. We rely on our support groups, inner strength, maternal instincts, and spiritual guidance to find the perfect recipe of love, discipline, empathy, respect, and kindness to pour into our children. And even then, the outcome may not be what we want nor expected.

My response to Tami Roman’s Twitter comment is simple. It’s up to the adult child to resolve these motherhood issues by seeking professional help to cope, forgive (if possible) and most importantly move forward. Whatever toxicity has been poured into that child, does not have to remain throughout adulthood. If the adult allows the toxicity to remain and fester, there will never be any closure. The toxicity spreads in all aspects of the adult’s life. As an adult, you have a choice to stay stuck being miserable and pissed off or you can choose to evolve. It's up to you!